Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where the
frustration level and the number of times you butt heads with each
other seems to increase by the second? You say blue, she says red, and
the fights just seem to be going in circles.
If the answer is yes, then you may be at what I call "the breakup point."
Here are five signs that your relationship may be past the point of
fixing. Whether you are living together, married, or just
dating, these
breakup signs are usually loud and clear.
1. You stop relationship-building behaviors. In the
honeymoon stage of a relationship, which we all know is the first 90
days of pure bliss, you are learning about each other and making
efforts to create romantic moods and nice evenings. When you're in that
stage, you are really working at building your relationship. Then, at
some point, you start to butt heads with each other. Critical
relationship elements deteriorate. Maybe you stop kissing each other
goodbye or stop texting each other during the day. Instead of adding
things to the relationship, you start to resent each other like two
five-year-olds who stop sharing their crayons. This is a breakup
point.
2. You don't understand each other anymore. The fighting escalates
to a place where you no longer feel like you're understood by your
partner. Physical intimacy stops, communication stops, and you are
living like roommates. You're at the point in the relationship where
you are trying to understand each other, but you get so frustrated
because you feel like you just don't understand each other anymore.
This is a breakup point.
3. You start punishing each other. When you get to the
point of no longer understanding each other, what happens is that you
end up just kind of coexisting in the new dynamic. Resentment builds
and you get in your head too much. You are no longer about feelings,
and you start punishing each other. "Well, he hasn't done this for me,
so I'm not going to do this for him" are the kind of thoughts that take
root. The longer you stay in that dynamic and the further away you get
from the dynamic you had during the early part of the relationship, the
less likely it is that you'll ever get it back (and, after a point, you
won't). You have hit the breakup point.
4. You fight less. When you get to the breakup point, you
actually fight less with your partner. You fight less because in your
mind and heart you start detaching yourself from the other person, and
you don't care as much anymore. You have already made a determination
that they don't understand you, that they will never understand you,
and that the relationship just won't work out. The minute you get into
a fight, you just walk away from it. That is a sure sign that you are
at the breakup point.
5. You've taken the time to think it through. When you
think you might have hit that breakup point, you must tell the person
that you're disconnecting from them. You need to be honest and raw. If
you don't think the relationship is going to work, or you know you've
already disconnected based on how things have been going, then you
might want to consider walking away for a week. When you're in the
thick of things, they never seem to be able to work out.
So take a break. Spend a week without your partner. Take the week to ask
yourself some questions. Go visit some friends or family. Really think
about what life would be like without that person. How would you feel?
Then, go back and either take a stand for the relationship or break
up.
Whichever decision you make, you need to be honest with yourself. Life is too short! There are a lot of
wonderful, amazing people out there ready to meet you.
Comment by Moses K Tawose on February 7, 2010 at 6:28pm 
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